Ye Olde Amsterdam: The Capital of Daltonism
Fair burghers of Berlin! Harken to this humble harbinger! When people say that Berlin reminds them of NYC during the 80s, it might not *necessarily* be meant as a compliment. Well, I got your attention now, but don’t shoot the messenger and all that jazz. Anyway, I’m back in the Prussian capital after spending a few days swishing through the Schengen area - no passports, only euros - like the true (EU) international woman of mystery that I am. Apart from the part where I got seriously bovine bored at staring at cows for hours on end, as if I were forever trapped in a Milka advert. Or when we would stop for 10 minutes between borders to change engines and the entire crew to make it country appropriate, giving both crews the opportunity to pop out for a cigarette. This shit doesn’t happen to Jason Bourne! He hasn’t been to Amsterdam yet, because government-trained-killing machines pale in comparison to Dutch cyclists. They don’t call red “Amsterdam green” for nothing.
So I thought it would be a good location to celebrate my 10 year anniversary and recent engagement. That’s right, 10 years together. No, I don’t know what I put in his coffee, still trying to figure how I let this happen in the first place (incidentally, really hard to get a coffee in Amsterdam despite the profusion of these so-called “coffeeshops”, as Coleridge famously said before getting hit by a cyclist - Coffeehouses, coffeehouses everywhere, but not a drop to drink!). Anyway, a decade is not such a significant milestone, surviving Amsterdam is. Unbeknownst to us, there might be a large number of couples out there who also thought the Dutch capital would be a picturesque yet quirky avenue to celebrate their 10th anniversary, who are now pushing up daisies, Heineken bottles or whatever grows at the bottom of the canals after an unfortunate encounter with one these psychotic pedal pushers. Amsterdam Tourist Board, I’m implying NOTHING. But while you’re at it, could you perhaps change your logo from “Iamsterdam” to “I’llbeamsterdamned if don’t push that psychotic cyclist into the river” or something the natives can actually pronounce. You’re doing your citizens a a great disfavour. Dutch people speak English with such an effortless élan, better than many natives in fact. Yet their accent makes “Iamsterdam” come out more as an “I hamster am”, making them sound like an emancipated pet instead of a proud citizen of the prettiest European capital and all around lovely town.
Things I didn’t do in Amsterdam:
1) Go to a coffeshop
2) Queue at the Anne Frank House
3) Queue at the Van Gogh House
4) Navigate stag parties on a Saturday night at the Red Light District (Also, don’t Vegas girls get more for posing in their underwear?)
5) Push a psychotically smug cyclist in the river.
Things I did do in Amsterdam
1) Have a coffee
2) Go to the Rijksmuseum without having to queue
3) Go on a boat tour without having to queue
4) Go to the Red Light District during the day as part of a tour. Get reminded every 2 min how unbelievably liberal the Dutch are and how everything is so hunky dory in ye olde Amstedam, even among professional leg spreaders. Apparently the Dutch have the monopoly over liberalism just like the Dutch East India Company had the market locked down in other (equally liberal!) times by exploiting brown people in skirts and pirating Spanish ships (I’m over it!). The Dutch East India Company was, incidentally, not mentioned that often.
5) Regret not pushing a psychotically smug cyclist into the river.
